Friday, December 22, 2006

Blogger's Block

Finally, I am in the same league as Jeffrey Archer, John Grisham, and Robert Ludlum et al. Dang da dannngggg (noun. - A sound effect expressing joy, surprise etc.) I have writer’s block. Although I am honored to experience something those fine authors had, it’s a little frustrating. Mainly because I experience it more often than not. Unlike the other talented writers who get an inspiration even during a very ordinary avocation, I have to sit and think to find something to write about. And because I write (type actually) on my computer, I end up staring at the PC monitor and mouse until I get cranky and the PC shuts down itself because its bored. Not the greatest of feelings you know.
There are 6 billion people in the world. And a similar number of people read my blogs. (That’s 6 including me) Sometimes I wonder why I bother to write if no one is bothering to read. Well I guess I am not writing for others. I am writing for myself. Other than the part that it helps pass my time, blogging is possible in the office while everyone will think I am working, and thus I can do something worthwhile. I have always enjoyed reading and thus developed an irrepressible urge to write. (I also get the urge to play soccer when I watch EPL, to be a DJ when I hit the club, and things like that, so its normal behavior for me.)
So, I started writing. I began when I was 14 or something and had no idea what I was doing. After numerous stories even the 14 yr old me was convinced I am going nowhere. The language wasn’t good, the story was non existent and the characters were pathetic. I gave up. I started again 2-3 years after. My vocabulary was still incompetent. I still had no seeds of story inside me waiting to sprout to a frigging big novel tree. I solved this problem by using two books; an idioms and phrases handbook and a rather heavy dictionary. I weaved a story by simply adding hard to look at words and phrases and idioms with a few characters thrown in. somehow I managed to write a few pages of some sense. 3 days later I reviewed all that I wrote and I found myself looking in the dictionary at least 4 times for each line. And to think I wrote it a few hours earlier.
The point is that, I am not a talented writer, nor am I an author of any sorts, but screw the world, I have writers block so big, its visible on my head. And that just makes me proud. And it makes me more proud that I overcame the block by writing about it. Geez am a genius. And thanks to all those people who still find time to read this and do it for the sake of friendship. thank you. I am glad to tell u that I am going to continue writing. As long as I can. Oh come on now PC don’t you shut down on me. Am done, am done, am done. I promise. CTRL + S.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Born Again Workaholic

I see dead people. err.. I mean i see deadlines. Although with the accounts department that I am in, the earlier one applies too. I have always hated deadlines. The name itself is like a threat. So when my boss said that I have to finish the reports with in 2 days, I was, well, threatened...and pissed off.

Working in accounts department is like playing with money. Minus the fun. I used to sit and work with the same enthusiasm i had when i was studying trigonometry. I still dont understand whats so fucking complicated about the triangle that you have to have so many equations and formulas. An equation for me is as simple as 1=1. Although in accounts this 1 could equal .5,1,2,3 or whatever u want it to be. Thats the fun of it, but only when u look from the outside. You can twist it around, tweak the numbers and make it so damn confusing that nobody will understand anything. Including the ones who made it. It can give anyone such a strong headache that any person with a sane mind will refuse to take a look at it again. But auditors are not sane people. And they demand an explanation to everything that is on the books including the page numbers and dead flies . They devour the account books like the highschoolers read debonair. And when they find something that doesnt tally, they will point it out to you with a "gotcha"smile, which hardly qualifies as a smile.

So when the deadline was given, i thought its another random auditing coming up. But no. It wasnt about auditing. It was just about being up to date. My boss was suddenly aware of the possible positives of an update books of accounts like easy report generation, easy solutions and a few accountants in mental asylum.

Now usually my deadlines moved so much that they didnt really look dead. But the instruction this time was clear. No extensions. No excuses. The reports where lagging by about a week. I checked again just to be sure, meanwhile hoping like anything that i read it wrong. Oh. I did. I was wrong. Its lagging by 9 days. Anybodys got a gun ?

The accounts department has 4 people who love eachother like cats and dogs do. There was no personal hatred there. Just a proffessional one. Because a mistake made by one of them may cause the whole thing to go wrong. But in times of emergencies and clamities like a deadline, we join hands together. Everyday we throw all kinds of accusations at eachother, and occassionaly tea cups and paper weights. and very occassionaly we just throw eahother. But a common enemy has united us. We have to fight against death itself. I mean deadline. Ah, its all the same anyway.

So we think up of a lot of plans ranging from resigning to taking the whole workforce at our office as hostages and demand that deadlines must be banned all over the world. Although the idea appealed to all of us , we were not sure to whom we should demand. Finally we gave up. This had to come. This is why we were hired.To work. And to keep books up to date is but a reasonable and fair demand (yea , i missed un twice...)

So we took a decision.... to work our ass off. To meet the challenge instead of running away from it. To face it like a man.. and a woman(if i dont add that my colleague is going to sue me for sexual discrimination.) We decided to declare ourself bron again workaholics and finish the damn books. So deadline, u dont scare us anymore. We are staring down at you and laughing. The last laugh before we finish the work and kill you. Oh . But u are already dead.

Question Marked ???

In life we ask a lot of questions and get a few answers. Although i hated them during my 15 years of educational circus I ask a lot of questions too. What the fuck currently tops my list. It is a very powerful and versatile question with a lot of application in day to day life. My boss asks this question every time I submit my report. It can be rephrased to mean a whole range of things. like "What the fuck am I writing" to "what the fuck are you reading" The variety of online forums I visited had this wierd looking word WTF in almost every article. I had no idea what it was and I was like what the fuck. And then it struck me. Bingo. WTF means what the fuck. Talk about discoveries.

But WTF is not the point here. Asking questions is the sign of an earn for learning. To learn new things, to make new discoveries and to irritate the hell out of people. The first one to put this idea into my head was my teacher in school Mr. Satheesh. Now he was a gem of a person. One of those rare personalities who can talk for an hour and say absolutely nothing. He used to preach about the importance of asking questions.

Mr.Satheesh - So class. I am what I am today and in this poistion because I asked a lot of questions.
My idle brain - ( point to note down...never ask questions or you will end up like that)
Mr.Satheesh - If you pay attention and ask questions you will certainly succeed in life
My idle brain- (Contradicting Statements)
Mr.Satheesh - So start asking questions. who has a question here
Me Me Me - OK. So what the fuck are you talking about.

I consider to be thrown out of the class as an honour. And from Mr.Satheesh's class its a privilege and gift.

All through life we come accross a parade of questions. The thought provoking, "makes u feel ignorant", intelligent questions. And then there are the people asking the most stupid and silly questions. And when u dont know the answer follow the Dilbert principle and confuse them with a list of unanswerable questions ( If u want a list of unanswerable questions, my entrance question papers are still with me)

All said and done, to ask a question is a basic right of every human being( this doesnt include asking girls for phone numbers and asking the Govt. for anything) When u have no idea whats going on dont just sit and wonder, ask around. you may feel dumb but i bet atleast half the people around you have no clue either. Nothing to lose and a whole lot to gain.

now lemme go and ask my next question to boss. When do i get my next pay rise? I know the answer already.....What the fuck.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

The Weapon Of Mass Destruction and the counter measures.

What is your greatest fear? Gunned down by a stranger rogue? Mobbed and robbed by a bunch of bandits on your way back home? Hit by a stray missile with a tactical nuclear warhead attached to it ? Or having to sit and watch Ekta kapoor’s KkKk serials. Nothing scares me more than the last one. But there is a far greater danger lurking around all of us waiting to pounce on us and kill us without a minute of thought. Why? Because it can’t think.

Other than the natural causes like diseases and old ages and the natural disaster ones, what kills or injures more humans every year and nobody has ever thought of banning? Guns? No. Missiles? No. This weapon of mass destruction is something you and I hop into every day and go where we want to without the inconvenience of walking or if you are late, running. It’s technically called an automobile. In layman’s terms it’s called Maruti, Chevy, Tata, Benz etc etc.

Have you ever thought that the car you drive around is virtually the biggest killer humans have ever invented? But unlike other inventions like Magnums or Kalashnikovs, automobiles were not intended to hurt people, let alone kill them. Oh well that’s why we call them accidents. Road accidents kill more humans every year than gun shots or cancers. But just like it’s said, cars don’t kill people. People kill people.

Driving safely and carefully doesn’t take much of a hard work. Just keep in my mind a few things and you should be safe.

Just keep your hands on the steering wheel instead of scratching yourself (or there wont be any yourself left to scratch) or serving yourself to a cup of tea, or on your girl friend/boy friend sitting next to you.

Keep your focus on the road instead of the beautiful thing in the car on next lane, or the billboard with a beautiful thing on it or the magazine on your lap with a beautiful thing on it. Or.. ah you got the point. No beautiful things while driving.

Keep your car on earthly speed limits. Stop imagining that you are Schumacher or Raikkonen. You are not 6 yrs old. So stop acting like one. Be responsible and drive inside speed limit.

Stop swerving and swinging your car/motorcycle on road. According to The combined study on motor accidents by various automobile associations show that careless and reckless driving like that is the main cause of death among young drivers. And if that doesn’t scare you, you are not brave. You are just stupid.

Keep your cool. Don’t get pissed off at the guy that just cut you off. What a waste of energy. Instead, laugh at his stupidity, relax and drive. And if you really want to do something about it, flip a finger.

Stop honking, its not music. There are people who think that in a traffic jam, if they honk, somehow everything in front of them will magically disappear. Same with the tailgaters. Well if you really fancy the sound of a horn, spend a bit and get yourself a siren.

Don’t drink and drive- If you can’t walk straight, or talk sense or stop laughing/crying which you are doing for no reason then you definitely can’t drive.

No backseat driving. Please. Left hand drive or right hand drive, there is one simple rule all over the world. Only one driver in a vehicle. Distract the back seat driver who is distracting you by giving them something worthwhile and productive to do. Like ask them to sleep or just shut up. Threaten. If that doesn’t work just kick them out. Its better to be safe than having to hear their so sorry running commentary.

Don’t rush, don’t hurry, if you still push you will be sorry ( I made that up. Really.)
The way people rush drive on the roads make one wonder if at one time all of them used to be ambulance drivers. Drive sensibly. Don’t listen to those mad men. The “End” is not near. You have a family to go back to. Think about them.

Follow the rules.- I know rules are made to be broken, but when you break rules you might also break your bones.

And finally look in the mirror. No, not in the rear view mirror while you are driving. Start with yourself if you want something to be changed. Wear your seatbelts, follow the rules, don’t forget your signals and drive with passion and compassion. Vrrooom !

Friday, September 08, 2006

Hate Triangle.

A triangle is perhaps the unsexiest shape on earth explained by the simple fact that it doesn’t have even one curve. So unlike circles, triangles are rather unattractive. (I am tempted to go a little obscene here but I am checking myself.)

I have always found triangles boring just like the love triangles of our beloved bollywood. But I started hating them once I started learning about them in my school. Now basically I hated mathematics. Numbers and their calculations I could handle pretty well. But the umpteen numbers of strange and weird shapes and their properties I couldn’t. And the worst of them all was the triangle.

A triangle is a closed plane figure having three sides and three angles. That much is simple. But it’s a lot more complicated than that, because if everything in life was that simple then anti-stress therapies would have been unheard of.

Sine, Cosine, Tangent and Theta. And squares and square roots. And 100s of formulae based on these. And Mr.Sujith, my mathematics teacher. Aspirin anyone? Mr.Sujith had the unrivaled ability to draw triangles in air and mark them and do calculations. And he expected us to copy it down from air to our notebooks and solve the problems he drew up in air. So in effect he was the problem creator in my class room, not me and my friends as everyone used to think.

Trigonometry was the reason I failed a test for the first time in my life. I still don’t know how I made it through the finals. (The guy who was sitting next to me might have an idea). So while Mr.Sujith went on with the whole atmosphere as his canvas and a group of students who looked like they hadn’t slept in years as an audience, I spent my time thinking about some rather beautiful circles.

Sujith explained for a zillionth time that sin is the ordinate of the endpoint of an arc of a unit circle centered at the origin of a Cartesian coordinate system, the arc being of length x and measured counterclockwise from the point (1, 0) if x is positive or clockwise if x is negative (now u see why I hated trigonometry) while I was clapping and jumping and exclaiming to keep myself awake.

I hate trigonometry and thus almost all the triangles. Almost. I still don’t know any thing about it and am still living normally. Except for the nightmares about the traumatic trigonometry classes.. Oh how I love the circle.

Thursday, September 07, 2006


She reminds me so much of some one. Cant quiet place who. How do I explain how she looked. Its like she is carefree. But not in a fun way. More like she doesnt care at all. Sweeping footsteps. Untied hair. A loose fitting long black dress. And a teasing sadness on her face. She is not crying, but her eyes look like she might.

Have i seen her before? I dont think so. An unexplained dejavu. She is leaning onto her right, hand placed on her bulky brown leather bag. Her head is resting on her right palm. Her lips are curled into something like a smile, which is in dire contrast with the rest of her. No she isnt smiling.

She looks sad. Gloomy is the right word. I heard a bored female voice announcing that I have to board my plane in 15 minutes. I looked at her with a half hope that she will get up and follow me into the aircraft and sit next to me. She doesnt move at all. Time for me to go. Goodbye beautiful stranger.

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Eating Vicely

To eat is perhaps the best thing we, humans are forced to do. And there is nothing like eating your favourite food and then sleeping for long to wake up and eat your favourite food again. SO what about the lousy diets and low fat- low calorie- no taste health food? Sorry, but I dont eat crap.This attittude has landed me in a little trouble. I am on the "heatlhier"side. In other words I am on the heavier side. But thats ok. There is always exercise. ( I am yet to try it but i am told it works.)
Eating healthy is now considered the wise option and eating junk food is a vice option. But I prefer the vice over the wise because I am wise enough to know that I am going to live only once. (Ok I have managed to rhyme...maybe ill make a rapper someday). The no cholestrol, no fat and taste like hell food is not of my taste. And not of the majority of populations taste. That gave birth to the Diets, Health clinics, Weight loss pills etc. If you are eating good and feel a little concerned about the health issue go and consult some weightloss specialists. They will help you feel miserable. All the custom made skinny models with an inhuman body structure smiles at you from the poster and asks you to feel useless.
Diet or "self imposed starvation" in laymans term is as enjoyable as a history lecture. And i prefer history lesson any day. I am not saying that anyone should just go around and eat every meal like its their last one ( though I do it and its perfectly ok) but why waste your tastebuds on leaves, stems, roots and the whole vegetation. But then again eating McDs, pizzas, tikkas and donuts alone will make you look like you just swallowed a baby elephant. So strike a balance. dont overdo anything, no supersizing yourself. Eat the tikkas n burbgers and biriyanis. But most importantly never let your tastebuds down. Bon Appettite.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Man = Woman

All animals are equal. But some are more equal than others. Some one famous from some place had said the above statement once. (I dont remember who it was, so....) And I dont really know what it means. But it has something to do with equality and I coudnt find a better opening statement.
As for the equation in title, it is wrong. And u dont have to know mathematics for that. Because simply, men are not equal to women. If they were then they wouldnt be called men and women right?
Ok, I am talking a lot of crap here. But gender equality doesnt mean being equal. It means getting equal opportunity, equal rights and equal treatment.
So how equal are man and woman. The feminists always say that woman can do anything man can do and so this and that. Lets face the truth. Woman just cant do everything man can do. (like for eg say drink 5 cans of beer and talk about mean machines) And man cant do everything woman can do ( like spend hours inside a mall and remember the anniversaries and birthdays). Its not supposed to be that way either. Man and woman has different abilities and different limitiations.
But then, most of the things ,they both can do. And thats where the problem arises. I dont understand what some people have to lose if they admit that women are as smart as men? They put in the same effort in a much more adverse situation standing up against all those who try to drag them down and still at the end of the day get a lesser pay check. They work with the same loyalty and dedication but is by default not considered for promotion. The unfairy story ?
To be not treated equal is bad, but to be treated like dirt is something else. Ask a girl, any girl from any country how many times in their life have they been passed obscence comments at, how many times have they felt their space violated. And how many times have any man have had this problem.
The equality problem isnt just confined to the office. Its everywhere. When a man sleeps with a girl he somehow gets an image of a hero. And when a girl sleeps with a guy she is a slut. Didnt they both do the same thing ? I wonder why there is no male gender for the word slut.
Inequality is everywhere, at home, road, everywhere. When some are imposed, some are invited. And nothings gonna change until those who want it to be changed speak up. You will be pushed only as much as you let yourself be pushed.
Do i sound like a pro- feminist ? Sorry but am not. Feminism is as bad as male chauvinism. Men are not greater than women and woman are not greater than men. Why not forget about the genders when they doesnt matter (and start remebering them when it comes to love affairs and marriages). the only thing for men like me to do is to respect woman and get respected by them. For all the girls out there hold ur head up high and walk tall. PeaCe !

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

A hair raising experience.

It is not easy. It takes months hard work and dedication. Face a lot of threats and protests. Ability to ignore those who laugh at you. Strength to smile back when some one looks at you like you are some wierd alien. It is a test of human endurance. I am talking about a guy growing long hair.

why would a guy grow hair. For me the reason was simple. I always wanted long hair. maybe its because I am a metal head. There is nothing like head banging with long tresses. Not maybe. thats why i wanted it. But as i said it wasnt that easy.

why would it be hard, someone may ask, to grow hair. You just dont have to cut it. well the someone is wrong. For me I had hair more curly than a spring coil. And when i tried growing it, instead of growing long and down it went up like a birds nest. So I had to straighten it, to complete the look. And there started my adventurous journey.

As months passed my hair grew(obviously). And i was changing. I was looking completely different. Throw in a line beard along the way and i looked completely new. It was amazing what long hair can do to you.

My friends whom i met after a long time didnt recognize me. When i patted my cousins hand when i met her after a long time she screamed out. My uncle and aunt refused to believe its me. I had to show them my driving license and electoral card to convince them. I was stopped by the immigration officials at the airport. The guy there simply woudnt believe I am the same guy as the one in passport. And i dont blame them. Because I had changed so much that somedays i woke up and went to the mirror and was like ..."Hey . Who are you? " ( I can really exaggerate sometimes)

My mom had only one thing to tell her son. Cut Your Hair. To wake up everyday to the same sentence gets boring. But it did nothing to weaken me. She tried everything from pleading to shouting but i was no ears. Then came my relatives. Everyone was talking abt how decent i used to look. And how i have turned to be a villain. My aunt and mom said that I have to cut hair or face the consequences. Fine. that evening I went and pierced my ear. So much for the decent look.

Outside my home wasnt that different either. everywhere i went I saw people making faces at me , passing comments at me laughing at me. Ask me if I care. But in a strange way I wasnt affected by this attention. In fact it felt cool. I was a rebel of some sorts. Kinda like I made my point and I didnt even have to say a word.

I have long hair and am proud of it. And if somebody has a problem with it, then, well its on my head, so stop whining.

The Casualty of Society.

Society is something which more or less shape our lifestyle. To live in harmony with society is one thing and to live scared of the society is something else. It is true that we have to follow certain guidelines if we are to live in a society. But there is a thin line between being in good terms and being ruled. To be a part of the society or to be a victim of it. And we refuse to be the casualty of society. We, ladies and gentlemen, are The Rebels.

Most people have at one point or another become a rebel against society. Mostly when they are young. But when we think again, we are the society. When it is somebody elses problem and somebody elses life the rebel becomes a part of the society. And it is high time we change this hypocrisy. For us, the young generation, and those who think young, we don’t care much about what people is going to think of us. we do not do any one harm but we do not want anybody to tell us what we should like and dislike. Don’t meddle in my affairs and I will not meddle in yours. Kind of a no give - no take relationship. By this I don’t mean that one should live exclusive of others. But why nose into others personal affairs uninvited especially when there are a lot of other social issues to be concerned with.

Its always a topic for debate. Why it matters to the rest if some girl in the hood is in love with some boy. It could be a concern for the girl’s safety. But more importantly it is a question of breaking taboos. And taboos make rebels. So what makes taboos?

Falling in love is something special. Or so says the count less books, poems, novels, movies and songs. And so says those who have had a taste of it, good or bad. But our society, although inclusive of those aforementioned people and although have read and heard about love, still treat love in a bad light. ( I should say that I am not talking about the metropolitan and modern societies here) I don’t understand and don’t want to understand the reason why falling in love and marrying the lover is a taboo. Parents knows best, true. But when it comes to personal choices the person maybe knowing better. So leave it to them. To love or not, to marry or not and whom to love. Its such a personal affair. And if society has a problem with it then let them stick it up their **** because listen up … we are in love.

Why does anyone has to lose sleep over someone else’s love affair. A person should be measured by his qualities. Not by his cast, creed, religion and bank balance. And as long as two people love each other none of this should matter. What is going to happen if a Christian and Hindu marry. Yes there will be complications but the complications are creations of the society itself.

Talking about sex is still a taboo. Its something that everyone does. And am not talking about the premarital or extra marital ones. We are not supporting it either. Sex in general is a no-no in public vocabulary. Why do they forget that the main reason why they are here is sex. It is an act of intimacy and it is sacred. And not talking about it only leads to ignorance about it. Which in turn causes divorces, sexually transmitted diseases, misunderstandings and worse like exploitation of children and woman. Even saying out words like condoms are greeted by contempt. We can talk about wars, diseases and crimes. We can talk about death and suffering. We can talk about alcohol and drugs. But not about sex. Because oh! it is a taboo. And all this happens in the country of Khajuraho and Kamasutra. Welcome to the society of fakers and hypocrites. And yes we will talk about it, because we have to. And those who flinch at the S word, well, you don’t exist for us.

We will dress the way we want. And if you don’t like it then live with it. My long hair is on my head, my slogan tees are on my chest. And if you don’t want to see it turn a blind eye as you do so well to the real issues.

Why does it bother the society if girls and boys are best of friends. How is it any different from a same gender friendship? Only the perverse minds have perverse thoughts. And i dont need to say who is the pervert here. Our friends are our friends and not a matter of concern to you, the society.

We will hang out till late, we will party. We will listen to rock music and dance to hip hop. And that has nothing to do with patriotism as you so wrongly accuse. We are patriots and we love our country. As long as we are not doing anything bad please keep off our planet. A few days ago i heard a quite famous man talking about the "polluted youth of today". Yes i agree there are vices around. Drugs, alchaholism and crime. But society is oblivious to all those things. If you think the youth in general is "polluted" then you are breathing the wrong air. And we are not asking you to stop us from the evil. But dont step on our space, restrict our freedom.

If it violates you when we use the F word among us then please dont try to over hear us. We will use the F word and if that is a problem for you then fuck it, we dont care. As long as we are not abusing you it shouldnt matter to you. And if you still want to advice us about the evil of it we will flip you the finger.

Dont misunderstand us. We are not against you. We are against your hypocrisy and phony morality. Against your prejudice and animosity to what we do. So we are not going to live by your rules. We are not going to give in. Let us eat what we want, wear what we want, do what we want. Let us love and talk about it. Its our life and we will live it our way. IF you criticize us we will ignore you. throw egss at us and we will make a toast out of it. And if you are turning deaf to our demands, it doesnt matter.. Because if you dont give a damn, then we dont give a fuck.

Monday, July 24, 2006

The Trend Trauma.

Everyday we wake up to a new trend, a new trauma. There is nothing wrong with the trends as long as you leave them alone. Yes i dress following the trends more or less. But I dont believe in dressing just according to the trends. I dont want to and wont wear a low waist and flash my jockey around like a trophy. So there.... the trends and the trendies.
Personally i hate following the trends like following hot girls. Its always better to follow the hot girls. Its ok to be trendy. Infact it is a limit. Too much of anything is not good..except for beer. Welcome to the funny and amazingly stupid world of New Age Trends. Here is a list of those incredible Trends which will alter your lifestyle so much that you transform into a new species.

1. The trend of self help books aka The books for the "I cant pee by myself" people trend.
The self help books have always been there. But the popularity is so huge now that writing those have become a career option and soon will be a proffessional course. the first thing we as humans should understand is that the only thing that can really help is our own attittude. The self help book does help, but only the publishers. Go to a book store and you can find books with titles like "how to make yourself feel less pathetic"(ditch the book first), "how to pretend you are working and earn overtime"(i tried this..believe me it doesnt work.), and "how to make a woman sleep with you"(no comments). the funny part is that it sells. it sells so well that the church is afraid one day it might over take the bible. For those who are helped by the self helps.... my sympathies are with you.

2. The trend of Diets aka The "starve and feel good" trend.

The Fast foods and bottled drinks (not is healthy) has given us a generation of overweight citizens. Which includes me. And to fight this, the trend gurus have come up with an amazing invention called diet. It works like this. You eat every meal like its your last one and refuse to exercise because you are a free citizen with the right to say no. You gain weight. Its ok till there. Suddenly you see the unbelievably thin things(research has been going on to verify if they are really humans) walking around happily. You see them everywhere, on tv, on papers, magazines, in dreams. And that makes you feel lousy. Dont worry, the dieticians are here. Introducing low carbs , sugar frees , zero fats, anti cholestrol etc. They give u a diet full of vegetables , leaves, stems and roots which makes you behave like a cow after a week. All that they give you to eat are tasteless or awfully bad tasting stuff which you find hard to eat so you dont. Then after 14 days or 30 days or 3 days (if you have made it) you have become slimmer. or atleast your dietician will make you believe so. So what ?? You have only one life. Eat wisely and eat well.

3. The trend of weight losing clinics and programmes aka The "punish yourself for the sins" trend.
This is just like the diets. the same procedure of eating too much and exercising too less. Overwieght ? No problem. here comes the weight lose clinics. and programmes. and specialists. and whatever. The trend gurus have found out that one quick and easy way to make rich people lose weight is to remove their purse/wallet. And with the ridiculously high fee for these programmes they have achieved that. Dont blame the gurus, they are just doing a selfless service...the money goes to charity(charity begins at home). After that they will torture you( those who joined deserves it anyway). The trainer asks you to sit with both you legs apart and with your hands on top of your head with your fingers touching your earlobes and then raising the left foot over your right foot and embracing them in a wierd manner and so on and so forth until you have tied yourself up. And then again after 15 or 30 or 20 or 6o days you are slimmer. And you have an amazingly shaped abs and neck pain and sore joints and broken bones. Atleast you have washed away your sins.

4. The trend of low waists aka The "no waists" trends.

Low waists are good. and stylish. I wear them myself. But many dont just wear low waists now. Its more like they dont wear anything on the waists. Guys walking around with their pant waists dangling over the knees and falling over. Girls who wear low waist jeans and skirts and spend half their life time checking and pulling them up. It has become a fashion to flash under wear. Infact underwear is flashed around so much that oxford has decided to change it to over wear in their dictionaries. There is nothing wrong with dressing stylish. But why dress like sluts and idiots. Dress decently. Nothing is more attractive than a neatly and nicely dressed woman/man.(PS- i agree that the no waists are sort of a perverse viewing pleasure, but i feel sorry for them at the same time)

5. The trend of "life sciences" aka the "show me how to live coz i am too dumb"trend.

By life sciences i dont mean biology. Its too broing to be a trend. I am talking about the various techniques and methods packed neat and sold to people who until recently didnt know that they were not living properly. The Fengshui, with all the ridiculously costly curios which promise everything from money to better sex life. The vaastu shastra which has caused many a houses to be demolished and rebuilt in an ugly and useless way.Then there is the art of life which shows you how to breathe properly(wow. i never knew how to do that. Duh!) And a whole parade of yoga and martial art related circuses. I am not saying these are not good. And i dont know about the credibility of these techniques. But there are too many ignorant souls selling their version of these techniques and raking in big money. And the way people are following it makes me wonder if I am really living or just dreaming.

6. The miscellaneous trends aka "Not popular enough to be mentioned seperately"trends.

Here we see the whole lot of trends that are catching up. The health drinks trend. Redbull, powerhorse, gold power et al. You feel dehydrated? tired ? try one of these. Or if you are really into risk taking try some water. Amazingly, it works. The protien food supplements trend. The party your ass off and make an ass out of yourself trend. The bust enhancement and penis enlargement trend. Although it is not yet highly popular, if this trend grows we will have people walking around with monstrous nether regions. The "I have the costliest mobile in town and i dont have a clue what it does"trend. The “I spent a fortune on this dress and it looks funny” trend. and so on and on and on.

Trends will come and go as long as the mankind is alive and the MNCs exist. Going with the trend is alright, but dont make a fool out of yourself. Adios.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

The American cliche

Its said that people should learn from their mistakes. And those who dont are idiots. And those who do but still ignore them are super idiots. I am talking about a god fearing, honest and able leader named Geroge W Bush. and i have my fingers crossed.
The reasons for the Iraq war and the Afghanistan war were many according to the American President. Weopons of mass destruction(read oil), lack of democracy(oil), lack of freedom (oil) Saddam Hussein(oil), Al Qayeda(oil), Bin Laden(oil). So for those who can read the truth between the lines the only reason is OIL. ahem. i know i know. that everybody knows.

What I am talking about is not the war. Ill talk about that later someday. But I am talking about the new found hatred in USA. The French. For those who think geography is a waste of time, its a Western European country near Germany and Belgium. So whats with the French and the Americans and the Iraqis. Well its like a hate triangle with a lot of lost love between them.

France and US are one of the 12 founding members of NATO. So when US decided to invade iraq MrBush and party took for granted that France will embrace them with support. Instead they embarassed the US calling its decision an act of artrocity. The French Foriegn minister, De Villeppin recieved a loud applause for his speech against the Invasion in the UN. Bush, the true and noble man he is, always hated loud applauses and louder truths. During the pre war stage in Iraq, almost all the european people, I repeat, people, were against it. The governmets were not. Except for the french and the Germans. And both didnt send any army to Iraq. now now. Thats a good enough reason for America to hate them. how dare they refuse to kill,rape and torture the Iraqis. What about the dangerous WMD. What about the dictator Saddam Hussein? Dont these people even have some humanity? Oh! for the love of mankind, kill a few thousand people and loot their lands.
The French-American relationsip has always been a love-hate one . More hate and less love. During the initial years of America, they loved the French. And with a reason. One of the main reasons why America exist today is because the french Military supported them against the Birtish forces in the war of independence. And they started building up the country with the huge funds supplied by the French Govt. Then came the World War-II and the Americans hated French because they felt the French were being ungrateful after the US helped in liberating France from the Nazis. This anti-french sentiment revived in the wake of the Iraq war.
France was not the only country who opposed the war. But they did so with ferocity and honesty. So there began the American media circus. The usual list of specialists explaining things everyone already knew. Debates and opinion polls, interviews and talk shows. The American media accused French of being scared, worthless, betrayers.
And then followed the really stupid expression of feelings. They took all the old blonde and redneck jokes, polished them, substituted "French" instead of redneck / blonde and revamped to suit the French connection. The French fries and French toast where renamed to freedom fries and freedom toast. That was an appropriate name the way they fried and toasted freedom in Iraq. Jaqueas chiraq became a cartoon character. Everything made in france suddenly was a bad taste.
Now when the US Army are lost in the middle of nowhere, the NSA is even thinking of accusing some french hands in this, the voodoo et al. With all these hatred, lying presidents and dying soldiers the common American is lost. With 2 leadres named after human genitals ruling them, media telling confusing lies and world turning against them for their governemnts artrocities the Americans now live in a United State of Confusion.

Please somebody take the bush, dick and rice out of the white house and put some humans in there. PeaCe!

Saturday, July 22, 2006

The Dreamers Disease

YES. Ive been diagonised with the disease of the century(been that for the past few centuries) I have the dreamers disease. In laymans terms, I am a dreamer. I guess most of us are. What is life without a few thousand dreams. The day dreams and the night dreams. The realistic and the unrealisitc. The funny and the scary.No point running away. you were born wit the disease. and you will die with it. just to confuse everyone reading this am not making any distinction between the dreams. dreams are dreams afterall.
What if what we think is reality is actually a dream too. This bizzare brainstorm came from a former colleague of mine named Mr. J (His name is Jayaprakash Lalwani [house no 316, maidens lane], but I will use J to keep his identity secret. ) who was a hardcore dreamer. When Mr. J was interviewed for the post here, he was asked if he has dreams. He had said with all the genuiness that he does. The HR had no idea that he would take it literally and sit and dream the whole day. (And after 10 days when he asked about the appointment letter, he was told, "In your Dreams Mr.J.")
So now back to the disease issue. The first symptom i noticed was that I was loosing all kinds of connection with the world for short periods of time. I was suddenly in another world as another person. I DJed in the Hard Rock cafe while Tiesto and Paul Van Dyke were applauding at my sheer genius in turntabling. More than once, Berkgamp (or henry, pires, ljundberg etc) floated a cross to the near post where I latched on to it and held off two markers before i side-footed a shot past Kahn(or barthez or Van Der sar etc ) from close range. Goal!
I have done it all. From scoring the last run for India to seal a victoy against Pakistan to becoming the richest man on earth. From acting in the Godfather 4 to recieveing an Oscar for directing movies like "the eternal moonlight of the spotted mind". From sweeping the grammies to dating Salma Hayek and Alicia Silverstone on the same night. Been there, done that, in dreams.
All people have dreams. Dreams about jobs, money, fame, love, life. And the unrealistic dreams of a million more things. There is nothing crazy about it. Thats how we are. And then there are the dreams of our subconcious minds. The sleeping dreams. the nightmares. The wet dreams. I have dreamed of everything from making love to fighting a war(thanks to Tom Clancy for that ).
dreams are perhaps the cheapest sort of entertainment. one of those rare pleasure for which we dont have to pay ridiculous amounts of money called tax. its our own private secret world where everything is possible. keep dreaming and dream for the stars. (the small white sparkling things in sky...not salmha hayeks or jennifer anistons).
But one thing i have always wondered is how true the dreams are to reality. the dreams we see subconciosuly, are they an expression of the supressed feeling and desires ? I dont know if the dreams i see while i sleep are the hidden truths inside me. if it is so then there are lots of truths to take with me to the grave. lots.
We all have those crazy, nasty and sometimes dirty dreams we rather not talk about. Thats an evidence that you actuall belong to the species called homosapiens. If anyone feels guilty about it, well, dont. And for anyone with a social outlook belonging to the 17th century, telling you otherwise, well you always have the middle finger.
Now that I am completely taken over by the disease, there is no recovery. Actually, i am not even complaining. As for the cure for the disease, no thanks. Ill live with it. And as for the psuedo moral police telling me its a sin to dream the naughty dreams, here is my middle finger. its my life and ill dream whatever. And as for my boss asking me if I am day dreaming, well yes sir. Am dreaming about the day you will reach a much higher level (and leave our office for good). So dream on everyone. May all your dreams come true.

The mankind's incredible thirst for.......well...water.

My office is really cool. As cool as an office can be, thanks to mitsubishi's ever dependable A/Cs. When i try to sweat myself with workload, it just doesnt happen. I want my boss to feel that I am overworked and tired but the damn A/C keeps me fresh all day. Oh well. Thats not what i wanted to talk about.
Its summer. And in Gulf it really means summer. Its as hot as hell. But its not just the heat that one cant stand. Its the humidity. One minute in the hot, humid, ruthless sun and you will be soaked like in those bollywood rain songs. You might as well go and dip urself in hot water, except that water is not available that easily. In short the whole thing feels like sitting inside a presure cooker.( no i wasnt talking abt my office there)
Yea. the crazy invention called air conditioning is available and common here. but we cant Air condition the great outdoors. Another option will be to stay indoors all day. So i either have to sleep in the office or take the office to my home.I do both anyway.
The air in this desert is sticky and greasy. and then there are the winds. For those who think winds are welcome, you will be welcomed by a sand storm which is not so welcome. Soon one will be choking with sand inside their mouth and nose, crying with sand in eyes, and all in all look like a moving sand dune. And all the heat the sand and humidty calls for a saviour...water.

To get some you have to lose some. I guess thats what happened to the deserts in gulf. They got oil and in turn didnt get water. Yes, oil guarantees money. And in some countries it also guarantees homing missiles and cluster bombs. And a zionist sponsored freedom to test human endurance. (also called by some ignorant idiots as "operation enduring freedom")
So with money you can buy water. Tug icebergs from the antartic and bring it and melt it and use as water. Distill the sea water and use it. But there is nothing like the natural water. the rain, the river, the streams. Bottled water just cant substitute natural water. because...well...its not free.

dehydration is so common here that geting dehydrated is just like being hungry.
"hey. wats up man ?"
"oh nothing. am just sitting home and dehydrating"
"go and drink some water then."
Yea i will. I am jüst waiting for my bank loan to be passed. I am broke"
I was exaggerating about the cost.Water is costly. But not too costly. And it is available. That is a huge relief. In this arid desert, there is no water shortage. And the cost is not that unreasonable. But the water that comes out through the pipe during day is so hot that if u put rice into it for a few mintues, it will be overcooked. again I am exaggerating. But if u pour the water over you it never the less feels like you are being cooked alive.
So there are the large cans of drinking water and water coolers and freezers to help you out. For the first time in my life i have spent more money on water than on ciga...ah nothing. Though there are the bottled colas and the colourful fruit pulps, nothing feels as good as a glass of pure cool water. except maybe beer. So now, let me walk to my office canteen and get some water to drink before i hybernate...i mean dehydrate.

Friday, July 21, 2006

The Trend Trauma. Part II

Continued from part 1......... ( this after the 1st one. Coz thats how it is)

4. The trend of low waists aka The "no waists" trends.

Low waists are good. and stylish. I wear them myself. But many dont just wear low waists now. Its more like they dont wear anything on the waists. Guys walking around with their pant waists dangling over the knees and falling over. Girls who wear low waist jeans and skirts and spend half their life time checking and pulling them up. It has become a fashion to flash under wear. Infact underwear is flashed around so much that oxford has decided to change it to over wear in their dictionaries. There is nothing wrong with dressing stylish. But why dress like sluts and idiots. Dress decently. Nothing is more attractive than a neatly and nicely dressed woman/man.
(PS- i agree that the no waists are sort of a perverse viewing pleasure, but i feel sorry for them at the same time)

5. The trend of "life sciences" aka the "show me how to live coz i am too dumb"trend.

By life sciences i dont mean biology. Its too broing to be a trend. I am talking about the various techniques and methods packed neat and sold to people who until recently didnt know that they were not living properly. The Fengshui. An ancient Chinese practice of placement and arrangement of space to achieve harmony with the environment, whatever that means. Although ancient, Fengshui has found takers in this 21st century. Nothing wrong with that. But then again people are overdoing it. Buying curios that look nice for high prices because they promise everything from money and peace to a better sex life.

Then comes the Vaastu Shastra. Vastu is conceptually similar to Fengshui in that it also tries to harmonize the flow of energy through the house. Its not just the newly constructed homes that follow Vaastu. The old exisiting homes are practically broken down and rearranged according to the science. Then there is the art of life which shows you how to breathe properly(wow. i never knew how to do that. Duh!) And a whole parade of yoga and martial art related circuses. I am not saying these are not good. And i dont know about the credibility of these techniques. But there are too many ignorant souls selling their version of these techniques and raking in big money. And the way people are following it makes me wonder if I am really living or just dreaming.

6. The SMS contests trend aka The “ I have too much balance on my mobile and nobody wants to talk to me”trend.

Almost every product and programme has an SMS contest tagged with it now. Drink cola and send the number under its cap to a number and whoa you have a hummer for yourself. From simple and easy to downright stupid questions are asked. The stupidity of most questions are only matched by the much more stupid answers. Just a few days back I saw an anchor asking for the capital of kerala and the getting India for answer(seriously). And then comes the amazing gifts which unfortunately remains anonymous to the rest who didn’t win. But this SMS thing doesn’t stop with contests

The VJ asks you to SMS your favourite song, movie, girl, vegetable, bomb etc etc. And a specific proportion of population with nothing better to do sends in the answers. And when their message is read out by the VJ they shed tears of joy and feel like an achiever. Then there is the SMS live chat on tv where the SMS crawls along the bottom just like the senders. The opinion polls about who will win the election, is the government right or wrong and a million other questions. And the grand finale will be the “Do you think our opinion polls are right or not”, Please send us your opinion about this to the number ……… my opinion ? Get a life.

7. The miscellaneous trends aka "Not popular enough to be mentioned seperately"trends.

Here we see the whole lot of trends that are catching up. The health drinks trend. Redbull, powerhorse, gold power et al. You feel dehydrated? tired ? try one of these. Or if you are really into risk taking try some water. Amazingly, it works. The protien food supplements trend. The party your ass off and make an ass out of yourself trend. The bust enhancement and penis enlargement trend. Although it is not yet highly popular, if this trend grows we will have people walking around with monstrous nether regions. The "I have the costliest mobile in town and i dont have a clue what it does"trend. The “I spent a fortune on this dress and it looks funny” trend. and so on and on and on.

Trends will come and go as long as the mankind is alive and the MNCs exist. Going with the trend is alright, but dont make a fool out of yourself. Adios.